Reasons
by Tori of Lorien
Summary: Oneshot. The phone rang and rang, but she never answered. And, he realized, it was probably good she never did. Why would she ever want to answer a mess like him? Gap-filler between Civil War and Homecoming. Contains Spider-Man spoilers! Prequel, of sorts, to "Newton's Cradle".


**Reasons**

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own Tony, Pepper, Happy, or anyone else referenced! Those belong to the awesome people over at Marvel.

 **Summary** : Oneshot. The phone rang and rang, but she never answered. And, he realized, it was probably good she never did. Why would she ever want to answer a mess like him? Gap-filler between Civil War and Homecoming. Contains Spiderman spoilers!

 **Rating** : T for Tony shenanigans

 **Genre** : Drama/Romance

 **Characters** : Tony Stark and Pepper Potts, features Happy Hogan and Friday, mentions others

 **Pairings** : Tony/Pepper

 **Author's Note** : So, Spiderman: Homecoming surpassed my expectations in many ways and goes down as one of my favorite MCU movies to date (seriously haven't laughed so hard at a movie in quite a while). But I think the most notable surprise for me was _Pepper_ showing up at the end and having it made clear that she's back with Tony! And the ring! It made my heart happy, lol. Being that they're my favorite MCU couple, I thought I'd take a shot at a little gap-filler, of sorts, between the events of "Civil War" and when "Homecoming" is in full swing that explores my take on how they could possibly start getting back together. As well as picks apart and explores Tony's rather messy psyche at this point in time. Inspired by that scene at the end, as well as Hoobastank's "The Reason" (which fits Tony at this point in the timeline, I think). Also, early happy birthday to my twin with an age difference and fellow MCU fan **HaloFin17**! I love you, and I hope your birthday week is amazing! :-D Everyone please feel free to read and review, just no flames please. Enjoy!

 _"You've reached Pepper Potts. You know what to do."_

 _–beep–_

Tony Stark ended the call with a sigh. How many times had he done that over the past couple days? Instructed F.R.I.D.A.Y. to call the number he could rattle off in his sleep, heard her voice, and did nothing? He couldn't recall. He just knew that if he were to take a step back and look at it rationally, as he normally prided himself on doing, it would be a few too many times to be considered "sane". Possibly even on the verge of "desperate", if he were being completely honest with himself.

And that was what surprised him more than anything. Since when did he care if a woman didn't answer or return his phone call? It had happened more times than he could count. And he had returned the favor even more. After all, the self-proclaimed genius, billionaire, Playboy, philanthropist had had many women walk in and out of his life without so much as a passing glance. Why was he trying so hard, so much so that it was almost– _almost_ – causing him to question his sanity, to reach one woman?

Because things were different, he realized. Times had been different then. He had been different.

She _was_ different.

And because of that, somehow, she had wormed her way beneath his thick skin, the iron he had always kept protectively around himself even before he had constructed his very first, rather rudimentary, suit and softened him. Tamed him, even, though he'd breathe his last before he'd admit that to anyone else. He had an image to uphold, after all. But nevertheless, she had broken him, cracked his tough exterior, found the withering heart he supposed he still had buried deep inside him somewhere, and nourished it. It was only then he had realized how much he had deprived it of since he had been a teenager by hiding behind his aloof, uncaring front since that was just so much simpler than feeling. It had always served him well, up until she had come to work for him. He hadn't even realized these changes were happening, not completely at least.

Not until she walked out his door. Because he couldn't do the same for her in return.

He'd told himself again and again that it was because he just _couldn't_. He had never learned how. After all, it wasn't as though he had ever formed so much as an attachment to any of the women he had been with over the years. But even he knew how lame of an excuse that was. He knew that nothing could justify him not opening up to her completely, to allow himself to give her what she deserved. Like what she gave to him so freely. He had been so selfish, taking in her love that he had never deserved– and still didn't– without giving his own back.

Had he ever spoken those three words to her? Like she had said to him on a few occasions– over a lazy breakfast, returning home after a simple date night out, when he finished important improvements to the latest models of his Iron Man suits and when he later made the decision to trash them, after his less than ideal encounter with the vast and empty coldness of space in order to defeat the Chitauri army, to keep him hanging on during a nightmare and anxiety fueled night, after he believed he had lost her to the Extremis process when she assured him she wasn't going anywhere, after his own peace-keeping initiative attempted to kill him and destroy the world, shortly before she walked out the door– only earning an awkward chuckle and a quick departure to take care of some trivial task, even if it didn't need to be done, in response? And more importantly, had he actually meant them? No, he didn't think so... Not even in their more intimate moments together when he should have, under the cover of dark, in the quiet stillness, with no one else around. Other than from his mother, they were words he hadn't heard often growing up. He hadn't said them much himself to his parents, a guilt that still haunted his mind. Hearing them from the intelligent, cheery woman who was the CEO of Stark Industries was a completely different thing all together. Though, much like with his parents, he couldn't bring himself to say them.

Could he even tell himself that he did love her?

 _Love_. Four letters. One syllable. Such a simple word with such an unnecessarily loaded connotation. It was a foreign emotion, one that only truly worked if it was fully shared with another. And, out of all the people he'd come across in his life, she was one he wouldn't mind sharing it with, he knew. He hadn't wanted to be apart from her, so she could keep showing him the right way to go about what they once had. He wanted to keep learning along with her.

He scoffed to himself, the sound bitter. It was a realization he had made much too late. He was a mess, just like he had always been. It was just manifesting itself in a different way now since those pesky feelings were making themselves known in earnest. He was unfixable, though he would be lying to himself if he didn't admit there had been a slight hope– one that had quickly diminished as soon as she left– that around her, he could at least be a bit more put together than he used to be since she had figured out how to put those pieces of him together. Now without her, it was back to the disarray that had existed since long before she was ever a part of his life.

He couldn't blame her for walking out of it. It's what he would have done in her shoes. Because as they say, once a mess, always a mess. She didn't deserve that. She deserved someone who could give her the world without all the extra maintenance.

But yet, deep down, he had always hoped that if they had just tried hard enough, they could make it work. Like his mother had done with his difficult ass of a father. For a moment, he envied his mother's endless patience and forgiveness, as well as his father's luck in finding her, but he immediately shoved it down. His failed relationship, the only true, serious one he'd ever had, was on him, not on his parents' good fortune in that department. Because looking back on it, he knew he really hadn't been putting forth the effort to try after all. Not nearly as much as he could, or should, have, to say the least. It had mainly been her. Not only that, but she'd had to compete with his other love for the suit. And it hadn't been fair to expect that of her like he had been the whole time. No, it was best that she had walked when she still had the chance.

With another sigh, he set down his phone. He wouldn't, he couldn't, call that number, one that was so familiar to him, again. He refused to do that to her.

 _"Hey, Pep... Ms. Potts. Just wanted to thank you for sending in this month's reports. Everything is looking in order... I've had a lot on my plate. My demonstration and distributing the money for the students went well, though I think they still expected to see you. That was my bad, admittedly. Didn't get to let 'em know that you weren't going to be there when I wanted to. Not typical, I know. But it worked out fine. And then we had an oh so lovely meeting with the Secretary of State..."_

Sticking his hands in the pockets of his black jeans, Tony slowly made his way toward the large window that overlooked New York City from the top of the Avengers Tower. His dark gaze scanned the dazzling lights far below him, almost blinding against the heavy night sky, wondering how a city so vast could seem so small. So empty. He thought back to the time when the city, along with many others he had frequented, had been so full of life, when he'd still be out partying into the early hours of the morning– sometimes even until daybreak– drinking and laughing the hours away with people of some sort of importance and beautiful women, losing track of time and forgetting about what had happened the night before after often waking up in a strange place way past noon. That life was behind him now, he realized, as he briefly glanced at his watch. 10:38. He chuckled, knowing he wouldn't have been caught dead ready to retire to bed at such an early hour in his former life. He must have been getting old, he thought in bemusement.

He certainly felt it.

That first call he had made, that first message he had left, had been nothing more than an impulse. At least, that's what he had chalked it up to. Strictly business, as well as turning to the one person he had ever really leaned on in times when a little support was needed. After all, she had always been there when he needed her to be before. He hadn't expected an answer from her– after all, she had wanted space, and they had agreed it would be the best thing for both of them– but even just being able to tell her voicemail the debate, as well as the frustrations, the team had faced involving the Sokovia Accords had lifted the weight from his mind. Almost like the effect she'd always had on him when he was facing something a bit difficult. Just not quite.

He thought back to the woman who had lost her son he had bumped into waiting for the elevator after that presentation he had given what felt like a lifetime ago, the young man who had died because of their efforts to stop Ultron in Sokovia. He thought back to all of the major altercations he and the team had been in, all of the casualties that had been suffered. For a brief moment, he wondered what had taken the governments of the world so long to step in, to offer a solution for keeping them in line, considering they had his own heavily weaponized suits, the god of thunder, an advanced super soldier, two of the world's ablest and most deadly assassins, and a Hulk as the cornerstones of their unit, knowing they could cause a lot of damage even without their new recruits. Because while it was regrettably impossible to save every single life when a catastrophe happened and as they attempted to save the world, something had to be done where there wouldn't be more loss of life than was absolutely necessary. Granted, they would have been relinquishing a lot of their freedom as a team since one of their hands would be tied if they had all agreed to sign the Accords, but at least then they would have more responsibility with their actions. If they could be kept in check, perhaps then they could have prevented some senseless casualties and destruction that always seemed to follow them wherever they went.

But he also knew he would have been lying to himself if he didn't acknowledge his reasons for wanting to sign those damned papers had at least been partly selfish. He wasn't that selfless– he wasn't Cap, after all, and never would be. There was no way he could spin it to avoid admitting that a big reason why he wanted to sign was for _her_.

Way back when he had made the decision, after having escaped from captivity, to continue putting on the suit, he hadn't had a reason to do anything different. Running his industries by day, partying by night, and flying around as Iron Man when needed– or, quite frankly, for publicity purposes– had been the life for him. At the time, it couldn't have been more perfect.

But that had been at the time. Now, he wasn't nearly so sure.

Even back when he and Pepper had made things "official"– adopted the "couple" term, moved in together, etc– he hadn't expected much out of the whole deal. Sure he liked her, but there were a few people in his life he could say that he liked. But even though this was a different sort of _like_ , he still really hadn't expected just how involved he would inevitably become, nor had he really considered what it was about her that he had grown to _like_ so much. She was pretty, he couldn't deny that. But he'd known plenty of beautiful women. She was very intelligent and a great asset to his industries. But he knew plenty of people fitting the same description. She had an attitude that matched his own quite well, one that could sometimes shut his down– only briefly, of course. That, admittedly, was a bit rarer to find, but still, there were a few. It wasn't unheard of.

No, there was something _more_ to her, something that no one else he knew had. And he was surprisingly glad to get the chance to discover what that was. He had to admit he enjoyed having her around him. She was often a distraction from his racing, and sometimes rather unpleasant, thoughts. She was even able to quiet them, somehow, just with a simple touch. And the more time he had spent with her, and the more time they had spent away from work, the more he found he had enjoyed doing these things together that couples were supposed to do. It had gotten to a point where he couldn't bring himself to think of even looking at another woman, or going back to the glamorous party lifestyle he had used to enjoy so much. Even now, after she had walked out his door, it was the same. All of the ritz and glamour had lost its appeal. The late nights, the alcohol, the beautiful women, the spotlight, the glory. He no longer wanted it. Any of it.

All he wanted was her.

And since he hadn't taken any of that into account when the two of them had started on those casual dates, there was no way he could have braced himself for how deep his attachment to her would end up running, nor for how alone he would feel when she suddenly was no longer there. Just when he had come to accept, and enjoy, this new reality with only her, his former life fading more and more into some distant memory, it was over. And, as much as he didn't want to admit it, he wasn't sure how to move. It seemed that without her, he had somehow lost his sense of direction. It was a feeling that was completely foreign to him, for even when he had mindlessly wandered from party to party, he still had had some sort of destination, even if he hadn't been exactly sure what that was.

But that had all changed with Pepper. With her, things had somehow felt more... stable, more grounded. His direction had been clear, as were the means to get there. It was only then, when he had that destination, that he had realized how directionless, how meaningless, his life had been before despite how it had been full of fun, spontaneity, fancy shindigs, and beautiful women. He'd once believed that that had been the ultimate freedom, to be able to do what he wanted when he wanted with nowhere that he had to be. It was only with her he'd realized a whole different kind of freedom, that everything he had used to value was so frivolous, and the fulfilling feeling of having somewhere to go at the end of the day and someone waiting for him there to wrap him in her arms and ask how that day had gone. It was a feeling– one full of all the mundane, daily things that were somehow important he'd experienced living with her that had made his existence have some sort of a routine– he'd realized he'd been missing in his life. And one that he had been wanting.

Secretly, of course.

Though, just as his luck normally ran, he had discovered this much too late. Because he just couldn't give up the other part of him that gave his life a sense of purpose. And since he hadn't been able to choose between the two like he had wanted to after nearly losing her had caused him to swear off Avenging for only a little while, she had made the decision for him.

The image of her finishing packing up her car with some help from Happy while he simply leaned against the doorway and watched her leave was one that still filled him with guilt. He could have tried to keep her from leaving, to tell her he would stop for her. But that was the thing. He couldn't stop putting on the suit. He didn't want to stop.

And so he had only been able to watch as she drove away without looking back, Happy waving sadly after her before giving him the darkest look he had ever seen from him when she was out of sight as though he had messed up in the worst way possible. And to him, he felt as though he certainly had.

His father had been difficult to love and get along with in a relationship, sure. He was an egomaniac and a genius who sometimes seemed to love his work more than his own wife and son. At least, that's how it had always felt. But somehow, his mother had had the presence of mind, as well as her endless patience, to make it work. She had even loved the great Howard Stark, he had seen it in her eyes every time she had looked at his old man with such gentle affection. There had been plenty of times he had found it nauseating. But now, he could only blame himself for missing– no, ignoring, he amended– the same look in Pepper's eyes when she would look at him. For a brief moment in time, he'd had the same thing his parents had been fortunate enough to make work. But he'd been too stupid, too invested in his love of Avenging, to keep it.

Because while Howard's stubborn workaholic habits that were almost on the verge of obsession made him a not so fantastic husband and father, being a stubborn workaholic genius running around the world in an iron suit, putting his own life in danger every time, and causing destruction in his wake despite the good he was doing was ridiculous on a whole different level. His brow furrowed at the way his stomach dropped when he thought of Pepper sitting tensely on their couch, too anxious to even think about sleep even if it kept her up into the early hours of the morning, with her cell phone clutched tightly in her hand and her eyes glued to the news for any indication of how he and the team were faring, wondering if this could have possibly been his final mission, praying that he would walk through the door again. He always did, and she'd always try to hide her worry behind a broad smile, shining eyes, and a lighthearted comment that she'd have to start investing in hair dye because he was going to start making her go gray before her time.

But he'd been able to tell just how deep her concern for his life had always been. He'd felt it in the way her body would lightly tremble in his arms when she crushed him in an embrace with a strength her slender frame didn't seem to possess. He'd sensed it in the way her lips would find his almost desperately in relief. He'd heard it in her various ways of expressing those famed words "I love you" she would whisper in his ear. He saw it in those eyes that would be a bit too bright as they held tears that she didn't even have the energy to shed. She would then proceed to do something for him that she would think he needed– put together a light dinner, put in a movie, make drinks for them both to share, or even just cuddle up with him doing nothing at all to just enjoy the quiet, peaceful comfort being in the other's arms provided as her fear ebbed away. She had never once complained of her worry for him, though. Instead, she had always thought of him first. Always.

And what had he done for her in return? Walk out the door again, suit on and lasers blazing, whenever some drug dealers needed to be rounded up or Earth needed saving from something or other.

It was way too much to expect from any sane person. How many more times could she wait up with the fear that she'd be seeing in the headlines that he had died? How many more times could he wonder if he'd come back home to find that an enemy of his had gone after her... again? They'd both had had one too many close calls with that already. He knew that if she hadn't walked out when she had, he himself hadn't been sure how much longer he could have kept this routine going. He didn't know how much longer he could keep doing this to her. No one deserved to deal with that.

Which was why, deep down, he had hoped that these damned Accords could work in his favor. His constant being a vigilante had put so much strain on their relationship that it had finally just snapped in a way that even with all of his technological genius, it was something he couldn't fix. And he couldn't say that he was surprised. If he had signed... if they had gone into effect... if he had been held more accountable for his actions... maybe there could be some kind of balance. The responsibility he would be forced to take into account whenever he put on the suit could possibly be enough of a compromise to reach with Pepper. Maybe then they still could have made things work. Just like his father had before him.

But, like always, his best intentions had been blown straight to hell.

 _"Cap's off the reservation... I swear, he's lost his mind. It's just ridiculous. I'm trying to do what I have to do to keep this team together, and he... His judgment's skewed, he isn't thinking clearly. Now I've gotta go and make some sort of deal to keep his ass out of prison and keep him from becoming a full-blown criminal since his reckless actions are threatening to just... I don't know, destroy everything we've worked for all this time. I can't let him do that, not to all of us. Pepper, I... I'm running out of ideas here. It's driving me crazy. I don't know how to keep the team together if this continues... I'm trying everything I can, but..."_

Sighing, Tony turned away from the window and made his way over to one of his mini bars, a slight limp to his step, pulling out a small glass and a bottle of tequila. He tossed some blackberries in the glass before mashing them with some crushed ice and pouring in some of the liquor along with some lemonade. He swirled the glass around to blend the ingredients a bit before throwing a couple more blackberries on top and, after a moment of thought, added a lemon slice on the rim of the glass for accent. He took a couple long sips of the refreshing concoction before pausing and studying it when he remembered this particular drink recipe had been one Pepper had urged him to try a year or so ago on the recommendation of her best friend since it was the _perfect_ summer drink. He hadn't even been that big of a fan of it then. Though he took one more shorter sip before setting the unfinished glass on the counter, deciding that it just wasn't worth it.

That message he had left had also been an impulse, he told himself. After all, she had always been there when it seemed that nothing was going right. And at that time, it had certainly felt as though everything he had worked so hard for was being torn apart at the seams. And to make matters worse, it was all being torn apart from the inside.

Because Cap...

Tony began to pace, wincing a little when his stiff knee flared briefly with pain. No matter how much grief he gave the man out of time, no matter how big a part of him was completely annoyed by just how _perfect_ he was, no matter how much he wanted to punch him square in those _perfect_ teeth of his just to shut him up, no matter how often he'd briefly entertained the notion of simply tossing him off a bridge to get rid of his memory because his father had never been able to shut up about what was seemingly his greatest creation (or, at least, what he'd helped to create), no matter how much he'd love to just scream at him until he was blue in the face because he'd always felt as though Howard had loved him more than his own child, he couldn't deny that Captain Steve Rogers was someone he considered to be one of his best, most trusted friends. And that took a lot for him to admit– other than Rhodey, and possibly the always reliable Happy Hogan, it was hard for him to say that he really had any true friends to speak of. His life had always been one filled with acquaintances. But it wasn't his fault that he'd let the other man get so close. Cap just had something about him that made it impossible to hate him– the righteous, self-sacrificing, infallible, polite _idiot_ – which was an even bigger annoyance.

Though in all the time he'd known him, he realized he had only really expressed the friendship he felt they had, despite all the times they were at each other's throats, only once. And it had been during a time he'd really rather forget.

But Cap had also been the one he'd really wanted on his side when it had come to the matter of the Sokovia Accords. He was the one he had believed would really understand, and he had surmised that the rest of the team would follow if only they could stand in solidarity. But he had been wrong. Dead wrong. Cap's ideals had just been too different from his own in that matter, even without the whole ordeal with Barnes.

His left hand began to curl into a fist before he forced it to relax. Barnes... Barnes was on their side now, no matter what horrific acts he had committed in his past. When he wasn't in control of his own mind. He had to remember that.

He had to remember that for Cap.

But it had been the whole matter of Barnes that he had believed had been clouding Cap's judgment. Which was why he had attempted to reach out to the other man with an olive branch, willing to discuss any compromises on the Accords as long as it had gotten him on his side. It was why he had tried to approach both him and Barnes as a friend right before their fateful encounter that, he had at one time feared, had fractured their friendship permanently.

At least that hadn't been the case, he reasoned. But while he had surprisingly been on the receiving end of the olive branch this time, he knew he and Cap still had quite a ways to go before things could be like they were before. There was too much there to simply forgive and forget.

But if he were being completely honest, he also couldn't deny there was a part of him now that slightly envied the super soldier. He'd also had the love of his life, and while he had waited for far too long to act upon it, he'd still been able to find and have her in his life in some way after all of that time. And, as he'd heard through the grapevine, there seemed to be something developing between him and the undercover S.H.I.E.L.D agent who'd been spying on his apartment from across the hall for a while. But he could balance that and being an Avenger– granted a renegade Avenger– and make it work. Last he'd heard, Thor had that girl from Earth– Jane? Jean? Jackie? Jill? Close enough– that he was seeing and would try to brag to him about. He scoffed. Like she was really better than Pepper... But the point remained. He could balance whatever he had to do on Asgard, being an Avenger, and their relationship and make it work. And then there was Clint, who had the whole shebang– a stable home life away from all this, a beautiful wife, and three lovely children– without the rest of them having been any the wiser. Despite that little fact, he was making it work. Hell, even Nat and Banner had seemed to be trying to see if they could balance something between them while they did their Avenging thing.

But the point was, all of them could balance being an Avenger and have some sort of relationship and _make it work_. It made him reconsider his stance that it was simply his putting on the suit all the time that had caused the strain on what he and Pepper had once had. No, there had to be something wrong with him, something that was just too much of an unfixable mess for him to be able to hold onto a steady relationship.

Which is why he still hadn't been surprised when Pepper had walked. He should have known that it wouldn't have lasted, no matter how good of a thing it had been while it was there.

Though he couldn't stop his mind from sometimes wandering back to Clint and to the perfect life he had. Sure, he'd had his job with S.H.I.E.L.D. when it had been a thing as well as his being part of the team, but the perfection had been far, far away from that. A life full of peace and quiet on a farm that he could work and cultivate, a loving and devoted wife who was always waiting for him to come home, and three children who adored him– and who he obviously spoiled rotten– who he could raise and love. These things provided him with a full life and a reason for doing what he did every day.

And he couldn't deny that he wanted these things, too. Except for the children. Oh, God no, he couldn't ever see himself bringing another little him into the world, it wouldn't be a good thing for anyone. The kid he was mentoring would have to do. But the farm, a place of solitude away from the bright lights and noise of the city that he could use as an escape, out in the country for just him and Pepper– and Rhodey could visit whenever he wanted, and he supposed Happy could do the same since he would throw a fit if he weren't allowed– sounded so ideal that he had actually seriously considered the idea, which still surprised him to no end. It would have been the perfect place for them to be an actual family without all the distractions that Avenging tended to bring with it.

He just hadn't had the chance to run it past her.

His gaze faltered. A family with Pepper... It had sounded perfect in his head. Still did. And so much so that, on a whim after he and the team had rounded up a gang of troublesome drug dealers, he had bought something– shortly before she had walked out the door, ironically enough– that he had never possibly imagined himself buying before. But it had just felt right in that moment, so he had gone with it instead of listening to what his brain was trying to tell him. He should have listened to that pesky little voice– it was a bad idea, he didn't know what he was doing, she would never go along with it, she would never want anything to do with that, the sentiment is stupid. It had tried to warn him, and he hadn't listened. And now he was stuck with the useless thing, which was currently sitting in Happy's suit jacket pocket because he hadn't even been able to bring himself to look at it after she had left.

And he only had himself to blame. Not that the money was a big deal, it wasn't– he had plenty of it, though he had spent quite a bit to make sure to get the best for her. It's that it really had been a stupid sentiment, and he had been an idiot to go along with it. All things considered, he really wasn't meant for that sort of life as he wasn't really settling down material. And why would she– why would anyone in their right mind– want to take that step with him? She probably would have just laughed in his face if he had ever attempted bringing it up.

Though, he'd never really thought that his father had been that type either. And he had made that step work.

And so he had thought, even if only for a wild moment, that maybe, just maybe, he could have, too.

But it hadn't turned out that way. And probably for the better.

 _"Pepper... I'm dyin' here. Rhodey, he... I thought I'd lost him... I tried to catch him, but I... I couldn't... I was too late... And now... now I'm doing everything I can to make sure he walks again. Because he almost died. Because of me. I... I thought for sure... And Cap... Cap's gone. He... I tried, you know? I tried to help him and Barnes because I realized I messed up. I... I was wrong, and Cap had always been right. I was... wrong. But Barnes... Pepper, Barnes killed my mom. My dad. I... I know it wasn't his fault, but... I wanted to kill him. It's all I could think of. I tried, I did... I didn't care, I just... wanted him dead. And Cap had a chance to kill me... I thought he was going to, but... he didn't... But he looked me in the eye and... stood with Barnes. He chose the man who murdered... murdered my parents... And the worst part was that he_ knew _. He knew Barnes had done this... He knew this had happened and didn't... didn't think to tell me. He... he said he was trying to_ protect _me, but... how the hell do we go on from here...? I... I told him he didn't deserve his shield... that it was my father's because he made it... And I meant it. At least... at the time I meant it... But... how the hell do you move from here...? He said I could reach him if I ever needed him, but... Do I deserve that after what I... what_ I _did? I don't know anymore... I don't even know what's left of the team at this point... Cap landed some of them in prison cells. The rest of us are divided... What's left of us? What's left for me...?"_

Tony winced at the memory of the last voicemail he had left on Pepper's cell a couple of days before as he slowly made his way past a few almost full boxes he and Happy had been packing up to prepare to move to the new facility before lowering himself into a cushioned armchair, stretching his stiff leg out in front of him. That was the one message that had not been an impulse. No, that one had been a mistake, one mixed with a bit too much alcohol one night, and one that he would have taken back if he could have. It should never have even been left, which is why he hadn't left another since.

He could have kicked himself for how defeated and almost desperate he had sounded. As well as how thick his voice had gotten, and certainly not from the alcohol, but rather something in his eyes he'd rather not even acknowledge. And if all that hadn't been bad enough, just the act of baring his innermost thoughts– hell, his soul– to someone else was... weird. Unsettling. It left him feeling vulnerable, and he didn't like it. Not something he really wanted to do again anytime soon. Nope, definitely wasn't his thing.

But if he were to do that again for some unforeseen reason, he realized that Pepper wouldn't be a bad choice in person to do so with.

But remembering his regrettable drunken phone call also forced him to think about what was now ahead for him. For his whole team.

He let out a long, weary breath, allowing his eyes to slip closed as he passed a hand over his face and dropped his head to the back of the chair. For a moment, he just wanted to stay there and forget everything else. To say it was anything less than "daunting" or "damn near impossible" would be a terrible understatement. Cap was gone, he could only assume he had brought Barnes and the rest of the team who had been imprisoned– who were still considered wanted criminals– along with him. He hadn't seen or heard from Thor or Banner in a while and had no idea what they were up to. Nat had been off the radar for some time, too. Rhodey could barely walk, even though he was slowly improving with assistance from the technological help he could give him. He wasn't sure if he could consider him a full-fledged member of the team yet or not, despite how he had tried to help him reign Cap in, but T'Challah had returned home to Wakanda. That effectively left him with Vision, as well as Peter Parker– the overly enthusiastic web-slinger who, in all fairness, really had to pass his training wheels protocol before he even considered him as an official Avenger despite his potential.

He allowed himself a small smile at how annoyed Happy had been lately since he kept getting excited phone calls from the kid, who was hoping it was time for him to help him with something– no, _anything_. He had to hand it to Peter, his determination and willingness to help him and prove himself as a valuable asset to the team was admirable, but he also knew he had to cool it a bit and calm down. He was only a high school student, after all, and he had other things to worry about like homework, good grades, getting a date, helping out his weirdly attractive aunt, and possibly catching some petty thieves or helping an old woman across the street or getting a beloved pet out of a tree. Friendly neighborhood Spiderman stuff before he aimed so high to something so dangerous so quickly. The suit upgrade he had given him could do a lot, but it wasn't infallible. And the fact remained that Peter was just a kid, and no matter how good at rounding up the bad guys he was, he needed to be careful and focus on the things that made him a kid. His last priority should have been saving the world and impressing him for a chance to do so. Maybe he could even negotiate with him to wait until graduation to officially bring him onto the team...

His brow furrowed as he wondered for a moment why he cared so much about what the kid did, considering he wasn't his own. But he also had to admit that mentoring him was one of the lesser things on his mind at the moment.

For every time he moved his body, he could still feel every hit he had received from Cap and Barnes. There were still some times where he couldn't close his eyes without seeing the pathetic look in the super soldier's gaze as he silently pleaded with him to stop, telling him that Barnes was his friend.

But he hadn't listened.

 _"So was I."_

His own quiet words brought an unexpected guilt along with them every time he thought of them. What sort of person was he? Cap had been one person he had let, despite his better judgment, get close enough to him to be considered one of his most trusted friends. And the only time he had ever acknowledged that was in a moment where he had basically said that friendship no longer existed. He had just been beyond infuriated at the time. How could Cap have looked him in the eye when he had known what Barnes had done and defend him? How could he have chosen _him_?

Though even he knew how ridiculous his own angered thoughts had been, especially now that he'd had the opportunity to sit back and think on it more. Cap and Barnes had been friends for much longer than they had, and he knew that Hydra had basically put the other man's brain in a blender to keep him under their control. It hadn't actually been him who had done those terrible things to his parents and others.

But to actually see the footage... And knowing that Cap had _known_ about it...

Tony absently began to drum his fingers on his knee, his jaw relaxing ever so slightly. They were all on the same side, after all. It was something he just had to keep telling himself, no matter how difficult it was. And Cap's message, the olive branch he had sent him, had only confirmed that. There had been many times he had reread the letter he had sent along with with the disposable flip phone or simply thought it over since he'd had it committed to memory, the other man's strangely kind, patient, and forgiving voice expressed through his neat handwriting filling him both with hope and with a sense of nausea.

Cap had claimed that he had only been trying to protect him by keeping the knowledge of what Barnes had done from him, before also acknowledging that had been the wrong choice. Damn right it had been. He should have known from the start. Would the man he had considered one of his best friends just kept it from him forever if he hadn't been shown by someone trying to hurt them? As difficult as it was, he would have wanted to know. There shouldn't have been that sort of secret between them. He couldn't bring himself to trust someone like that.

And yet... As much as he wanted to punch him again in those perfect teeth of his or find that bridge to toss him off of, he couldn't deny he couldn't stay angry at him. At least, not as angry as he once had been. Cap had only been doing what he had thought was right to spare him from a hell of a lot of pain, even though he'd admitted he'd truly been trying to spare himself from some amount of pain and hoping he could one day understand– the first selfish thing he could ever remember the super soldier doing. And the more he thought about it, he wasn't sure what he would have done if he had been in his place, despite his philosophy that knowing was always the best.

Wasn't it? He suddenly wasn't so sure...

But the other part that made him feel hopeful yet nauseous was that despite everything that had been said, despite how the Super Soldier had tossed his shield at his feet, Cap was still looking out for his well-being. He didn't want him to be alone after all that had happened without whatever remained of his team because he needed them. And deep down, Tony knew with frustration that the other man was right. He couldn't be without the team. He couldn't be without Pepper. It was a dependence he resented and had never wanted. But there was nothing he could do about it now.

But it was these kind words that made him hate himself to a degree that also made him more inspired to do right by Pepper. As much as he wanted the team back, it couldn't compare to how he longed to have her back. He had come a long way from when they had first started this relationship, he reasoned. He could go further still. He just needed the opportunity to show her that there was something about him that was worthy to give this another try, if he could somehow convince her to give him another shot.

Though what concerned him was that it sounded like Cap was through with the team. He was more of a loner, he had said, he didn't need the others like he did. Tony sighed. Talk about a punch to the gut when he didn't need one. Maybe he should make the effort to go finish that drink he wasn't a big fan of, after all. Because if Cap wasn't going to come back, what was going to hold this team together? He may have had all the technological know-how and brilliance he would ever need, but, just like he couldn't fix what had been broken between him and Pepper, he also couldn't use that skill to repair this fractured team. Nothing was ever going to be the same, not between him and Cap, nor for the Avengers. And how could it be after they had been so deeply divided? With a sense of dread, he knew that Vision had been right all along, ever since the matter of the Sokovia Accords had first begun to splinter them.

It had all been a catastrophe.

But yet, he couldn't help but cling to what else Cap had said, had promised, at the very end of his letter. It still gave him that glimmer of hope that things could still be somewhat okay for all of them, even though the forgiveness he had been shown by the other man still made him want to lose the contents of his stomach since he hadn't done anything to earn it. And while it was a good thing to read, as it had encouraged him to go through with his plans to move to the new Avengers facility in the hopes that they could all get back together after everything that had happened, it was still something he hoped would never be needed since he didn't want to imagine what sort of dire situation would demand the need for it.

 _"... if you need me, I'll be there."_

It took Tony a moment to register the light, tender touch on his forehead, easing the stressed creases there, and his eyes fluttered open with confusion. Then, with a sense of growing annoyance, he raised his gaze to sharply tell off Happy to stop being so creepy– after all, he'd already told him he wanted to be left alone and they would continue packing in the morning– but he paused at the concerned face he saw looking down at him instead. He didn't say anything for a long moment, wondering if the combination of his lack of sleep lately and the couple sips he'd had of the alcoholic beverage would be enough to make him see things. But when he realized through his shock that what he was seeing was real enough, he managed to mutter the first thing he could muster.

"Security breach."

"Security breach?" Pepper repeated as she let out a bewildered chuckle, a small smile lighting up her face as she turned and began walking away from the chair. "Last I checked, I still had clearance to enter the building, Tony. Besides, wasn't this place twelve percent of my baby?"

"We can still argue for fifteen. If you'd like." Tony slowly straightened up in the seat and watched after her, noticing that she was walking barefoot like she normally did when she was making herself at home someplace. It was one of his favorite quirks of hers. "So, um, what are you doing here?" Wow, did he sound lame.

Pepper cast a glance back at him over her shoulder. "I realized I had a few personal things I'd brought along here for work that I'd forgotten to take with me," she explained. "Happy was glad to let me in to get them."

Tony glanced over at the open elevator doors, seeing the man in question was still standing inside. Happy gave him a broad grin and a brief wave before lightly patting his suit jacket pocket. Tony's eyes widened as he quickly shook his head before turning back to their visitor. "I could have just sent them to you if you had informed us..." he muttered.

He didn't get a response right away as Pepper slowed to a stop in front of the nearly packed boxes stacked in the middle of the room. "Happy also told me you guys were getting ready to finish moving everything out," she commented.

"Yeah, we have that new Avengers facility upstate..." Tony passed a hand over his face and took a deep breath before he began pushing himself to his feet, wincing when almost every stiff muscle in his body protested in unison. "But what are you really doing here, Pepper?"

A moment passed before she slowly turned to face him, what appeared to be a sad look in her eye as she met his gaze and sighed quietly. Tony looked back at her, confused by how she was regarding him. There wasn't pity or anger but... concern in that look. It was also then he noticed that she held a drink carrier in one hand, containing what appeared to be...

"Chocolate peanut butter smoothie?" Pepper graced him with a small smile as she held one of the cups out to him. Almost like an olive branch.

Despite himself, Tony smiled slightly himself as he slowly took a couple careful steps closer to her, taking the proffered treat. It was something they would sometimes get together after a productive day of work or just whenever they happened to be around a place that sold them. "You came here just to bring me a chocolate peanut butter smoothie?" he wondered with a hint of amusement.

Pepper shrugged as she took a sip of her own smoothie and set the plastic carrier on the low table near her. "I happened to pass a place on my way over and had a craving for one," she said. "And I thought... that you might like one, too."

Tony took a long sip before nodding once. "Well, it certainly hits the–!"

"It sounded like you needed a friend," Pepper interrupted in a rush as though trying to get the words out before she could stop herself. She turned away from him then, taking a deep breath as her gaze scanned over some loose papers that were lying on another low table nearby. She leaned over and carefully moved them around a little to see them better, and Tony noticed that they were some schematics for the suit he was finishing optimizing for Peter along with some still shots he had taken from YouTube videos for reference. Beside them were some hastily written up ideas for some repair work and improvements on a certain vibranium shield.

But then, she chuckled as she reached out and picked up something small that had been resting beside an envelope that simply bore his name and a FedEx box, looking over it curiously before holding it up to him in bemusement. "You have all the advanced tech known to mankind." Her smile broadened. "What are you doing with this ancient thing?"

Tony eyed the flip phone she held in her thin fingers before sighing heavily, reaching out and gently taking it from her. "That's uh... Important. Someone sent it..."

Pepper glanced down at the neat handwriting on the envelope before looking at the plans for the shield again, and a knowing look gleamed in her eyes as he set the phone back down beside the box. "I meant that I stopped by because I felt like you needed a friend," she told him. "It... sounds like you've been through quite a bit."

He could have objected right then and there. Looked her straight in the eye and told her that everything was fine, despite how everything was crumbling from underneath him. That likely egotistic image he usually upheld was practically demanding it in order to save face.

But instead, he let his shoulders slump ever so slightly as he took another sip of his smoothie and let out a weary breath. He was just so _tired_. And after all, she was a safe person, she always had been. He didn't have to hide from her. He never had to. "I... I have been..." he admitted in a murmur.

Pepper's gaze saddened as it swept over his paler, exhausted features, his dimmer eyes, the dark bruise that stood out beneath his right one, the few lines that had seemed to appear in his face since the last time she had seen him, his almost defeated posture, and his slightly messier appearance. He just appeared so... lost. "I can tell," she whispered. But then, she cleared her throat. "I, um, I got your messages."

Tony's stomach dropped, and he slowly set his smoothie down on the table with everything else. "We don't have to talk about those," he replied. "I shouldn't have bothered..."

"No, I'm glad you left them," Pepper immediately assured him, setting a gentle hand on his arm without thought. She waited until he was looking back at her with an eyebrow arched in a hint of disbelief before she continued. "I'm glad that you felt... comfortable enough to let me know what was going on, even though I didn't get back to you. How's Rhodey?"

"Adjusting." Tony was just relieved that she had asked a question that he could easily answer. "Complaining about how he has to adjust. But he's getting used to the equipment. It's still in its beginning phases, so there's more work to be done. More that I can add to make it more comfortable for him and what not. But it's my hope he'll be able to be up and walking again pretty much like normal soon."

"Good." Pepper tried to hide her hesitation behind another sip of her smoothie. "And... and Steve?"

Tony's dark gaze moved to the flip phone. "He'll be there if I ever need him to be. After everything."

"And are you glad about that?"

Her question caught him off guard, and it took him a moment to really think about his answer. _Was_ he glad about that? He didn't want to lose a member of the team, especially considering that Cap was its leader, but that friendship they had once had... He still wasn't sure how to exactly proceed with that.

"Yeah," he finally settled on answering. It was simple, but there was no way he could even begin to try to voice all the messier, more complicated emotions he felt. "I think so."

Pepper gave him a small smile of understanding. "I know it's hard to see since the wound is still so fresh, but something tells me things will eventually work out okay for the two of you," she said, reaching out and briefly squeezing his hand. He didn't even have a chance to return the gesture before she let go again. "Things usually have a way of working out. And... you're a good man, Tony. Don't ever forget that."

Tony chuckled, passing a hand over his face as he leaned against the back of the couch behind him. A good man? Him? After everything he'd done? "I... I can't say I'm so sure about that as you," he replied quietly with a brief shake of his head, his smile slowly fading. "I've done a lot of bad things, Pepper. I've hurt people. I recently tried to kill a man. An innocent man, for all intents and purposes. One on our side, anyway... And... I've hurt you. Too many times. How is that a good man?"

To his surprise, Pepper leaned against the couch next to him and rested her chin on his shoulder as she looked up at him intently. "For starters, you admitted that you were wrong," she explained as he rolled his eyes and looked away. But he found he didn't want her to move. "I know you were drunk at the time, but still, it counts for something. That's always a good place to start. And... I know that everything you do, for me or for anything else, is usually with the best intentions. You do what you think is right, you don't purposely try to hurt people. Everyone makes mistakes, Tony. Even you, since you're also human like the rest of us despite that genius brain of yours. Now what you have to do is figure out how to fix them. Once you get there, you can start thinking more specifically about how to move on from here. With Steve. With Rhodey. With... me."

Tony looked back at her for a moment before he allowed a small smile to appear on his face. She returned the look, and he tentatively reached out and and lightly touched her hand. She didn't pull away, instead turning it over so she could grasp his hand in her own.

"Besides," she added quietly. "It looks like you're doing good things for that spider kid I've been seeing all over the internet. He'll be lucky to have you to look up to and guide him."

"Well, we'll see about that." Tony chuckled, the sound slightly nervous. "I've never really been a role model with all the times I've messed up, you know that. But I really do believe in this kid. Everyone else called me crazy when I recruited him since he's just a... fourteen, fifteen-year-old kid, but the potential for him is there. He's got the natural ability, he just needs some fine-tuning, better suits, and someone to nudge him in the right direction."

"And you're the perfect person to do that for him." Pepper smiled herself as she adjusted her head so it was now lying flat on his shoulder. "You've certainly had plenty of experience in that regard. This will be a good thing for you, I think. A valuable learning experience."

"If you say so." Tony looked down on her before he cautiously rested his head against hers. The subtle flowery smell of her shampoo filled his senses, and he slowly closed his eyes. Her closeness, the feel of her hand wrapped around his, gave him a sense of peace he hadn't felt since she had walked out the door and the catastrophe for his team that had followed. The weight that had been hanging on his shoulders seemed to be removed. His chest was lighter and less constricted, which made it easier to breathe. The tasks ahead were still daunting no doubt, but for the moment– however brief it would be– it didn't seem so impossible.

She was right, he had needed a friend in the midst of all this chaos.

"I'm, uh, glad you came by to bring me a chocolate peanut butter smoothie."

Pepper smiled as her own eyes slid closed. "I would have been here sooner, but believe it or not, I really did have to finish some things up for work," she said. "And then I had to help my mother out with her packing since she's going out of town for a week. And then my flight was delayed, and the city traffic was terrible... I know, lame excuses. But all true, nevertheless."

"Yeah, but you still made it," Tony countered with a chuckle. "And I'm... glad you're here."

"Glad I could make it." Pepper glanced down at her watch before slowly, regrettably, starting to lift her head from his shoulder and pulling her hand away. "Although, if I don't head out shortly, I'll never get to my hotel at a reasonable hour."

"Hotel?" Tony asked, wishing he could just reach out and hold her close once again. "You've got a reservation?"

"Well, yeah," Pepper answered with a quiet laugh as she picked up her smoothie. "Gotta stay somewhere, Tony."

He hoped his disappointment wasn't showing through on his face. Or maybe he should do so, he wasn't sure. Because even though he hadn't expected her to be there, now that she was, he didn't want her to leave. Not again. "I was just thinking you could... I don't know... stay here for as long as you're in the area," he muttered. "I mean, I know we've packed quite a bit of the stuff up, but there's still plenty of room to stay a night. It'd be easier than getting through that awful city traffic. And also quite a few less bed bugs, I'd guess."

"Eww. Gross, Tony." Pepper beamed, though beneath the amused expression, there seemed to be a thoughtful one.

Tony shrugged. "But accurate."

Pepper shook her head briefly with another chuckle. "Okay, so say I agree," she said. "We'd just... finish our smoothies and what?"

"I don't know, watch a movie?" Tony suggested, picking up his smoothie again and taking a small sip. "Talk about life?"

"Talk about life."

"Why not?"

Pepper shrugged and set her purse down on the floor and began making her way around the couch. "Okay, Tony, you've convinced me," she relented, her returning smile revealing it truly hadn't been a difficult choice. "A movie sounds fun. And at least I don't have to pay to stay here."

"That, too." Tony smiled himself as he glanced around him. "Hey, F.R.I.D.A.Y., bring up the HD screen, would you?"

 _"Sure thing, boss."_

Tony carefully climbed over the back of the couch before sinking down on the cushions next to Pepper, causing her to laugh until he winced slightly when his back briefly flared with pain. "You okay?" she wondered.

"Oh, yeah," Tony told her with confidence. "Bumps and bruises go away after a while. I'll be fine." That much was true. The mental wounds, however...

"Okay..." Pepper absently reached out and lightly massaged his shoulder. She couldn't help but study him with concern, thinking of all the fights he had been in and ones that he still had yet to partake in. It would have to take its toll eventually...

"What?"

"Huh?" Pepper saw with surprise that he was looking over at her with confusion.

"You were just staring at me, and I was wondering why. I mean, I know I'm not bad to look at, but staring isn't polite."

"Oh, my bad, Tony," Pepper replied with not so subtle sarcasm, clearing her throat a bit in embarrassment that she had been caught as she quickly looked away. "No reason, really. Just, uh... glad you're okay."

Tony arched an eyebrow, but he let the subject drop as the screen appeared before them and the lights began to dim. "You know, I'm glad you decided to stay," he told her. "I, uh... I like having you around. It's been pretty boring with just Happy, let me tell ya."

Pepper chuckled as she leaned against his shoulder again as he began to search through the movie titles, resting her hands on his knee. "I'm glad, too," she admitted as he draped a casual arm around her. "I like being here. I've missed this place. And will continue to miss it when you're all done changing facilities."

Tony smiled slightly– this place really had been their creation, he realized– as they finally settled on a cheesy horror flick, and he sighed quietly as he rested his head against hers as the opening credits began. He could stay there for possibly forever, he realized, with how relaxed and comfortable he felt with her so close. Before he could stop himself since his guard was down, he muttered, "Pepper?"

"Yeah?" Her voice was also tired and quiet, he noticed, though also curious.

"I just... I just wanted to say that... I, I'm sor..."

But then, he paused when she set a light hand on his chest and looked up at him with a small smile. It was a look he had seen from her before, one filled with understanding, with tenderness, with compassion.

It was that same look he had often seen his mother direct at his father.

"The movie's starting," she whispered. "Why don't we pick this up after, huh? After all, talking during the movie isn't polite."

Tony gazed back at her for a moment before he nodded with a smile of his own. "Fair deal," he agreed with a chuckle.

Pepper squeezed his knee as her smile broadened before settling her head on his shoulder again. He returned his head to its place against hers, not really paying too much attention to what was happening on the screen in front of him.

All he could think of was that Pepper was actually there. In his arms. Again. They weren't anywhere near back to where they once were by a long shot, there was still a lot of work to do to get there, but this was a start. And it was an encouraging one, indeed. It meant he now had the chance to go about things differently this time, if that's what she wanted and if she would give him that opportunity. And for now, a friend was a good thing to have.

Though they never did get a chance to pick up their conversation that night, for both Tony and Pepper wound up falling fast asleep not even halfway through the movie. Happy discovered them there later on when the final credits were rolling, cuddled together with their smoothies long forgotten, and tossed a soft blanket over them.

But the one thing he couldn't help but notice, and find adorable though he would never tell Tony in fear for his job security or even his life, was the content, peaceful smiles on both of their faces.

 **The End**

 **Author's Note** : All right, that's it for this one! I'm definitely gonna have to write more with Tony, as well as the pairing with Pepper, soon since they're so much fun. Hope you liked it! Thanks for reading! :-)


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